


Zombie Chickens Are A Real Thing

by rai87



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Crack, Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M, general silliness, not actually a zombie au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-27
Updated: 2017-08-27
Packaged: 2018-12-20 05:11:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11913909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rai87/pseuds/rai87
Summary: There are no zombie chickens in this fic. But if there were, Sonny would be prepared for them.





	Zombie Chickens Are A Real Thing

Sonny was moving in with him. The thought made Rafael giddier than he usually felt comfortable displaying, but as he looked around at the haphazardly packed boxes littering Sonny’s old apartment, making a note of the various things he’d have to convince Sonny to get rid of later, he honest to god grinned.

“If I’d known it would make you this happy I’d have broken my lease months ago.” Sonny leaned against the bedroom doorjamb watching Rafael with a soft smile on his face. He looked relaxed, the sleeves of his checked shirt rolled up to show off his arms and his hair still loose and mussed from the last time Rafael had noticed his arms in that shirt. 

“I think your landlord is upset enough with me, thank you,” Rafael chuckled. 

“I still think that noise complaint was bogus. My neighbor was just upset he can’t get his wife to make sounds like that.”

Rafael rolled his eyes good naturedly. “Moving on.” He nodded to the sports bag slung over Sonny’s shoulder. “What’s that?” 

The bag dropped heavily to the floor with a bang and a metallic clink. “Books,” Sonny said lightly. “I’m going to take some of these boxes down to the van. I’ll be right back.” He eyed the bag shiftily for a moment but Rafael pretended not to notice, preoccupied with taping up the last few boxes, so he turned away and bounced out the door.

Rafael gave himself credit for waiting at least thirty seconds before pulling the bag over and unzipping it. He sat down on the floor to examine the contents, which turned out to be very much not what he was expecting.

“Hey, I forgot the… what are you doing?” Sonny froze in the doorway, still holding the boxes he’d left with. Rafael looked up incredulously.

“Is this an ax?”

“No. It’s a hatchet.” Sonny put the boxes down and walked closer, all the while keeping a careful eye on Rafael.

Rafael nodded slowly, still poking through the contents of the bag. “I see. Can I ask a question?”

“Shoot.”

“Why do you have a bag with a hatchet and three rolls of duct tape lying around your apartment?”

Sonny paused, considering. “I’m a serial killer?”

Rafael twisted his mouth up. “You’d be a terrible serial killer. You’d keep stopping to ask if your victims were okay.” He reached up to grab Sonny’s fidgeting hands. “Sweetheart, if you were going to murder me you’d have done it before you carried 10 boxes down five flights of stairs. I'm not concerned. But I am a little curious as to why my boyfriend has the Zodiac Killer’s weekend bag.” He tugged on Sonny's hands to pull him down to the floor with him.

Sonny sighed and stared intently at the carpet. “It’s a zombie survival kit,” he said, speaking mostly to the floor.

There was a long silence before Rafael spoke up. 

“Are you sure you’re not a serial killer?”

Sonny rolled his eyes and pulled away, grabbing the bag and starting to empty out the contents. “Look, it’s got everything you need. Batteries, some canned food, Slim Jims, matches…”

“For the zombie apocalypse.”

“Not necessarily,” Sonny mumbled stubbornly. “It’s useful for any large scale outbreak. Scientists say another flu pandemic is just a matter of time.”

“You pack any NyQuil?” 

Sonny reached into the bag and smugly rattled a box of Tylenol at him. "You know the zombie thing isn't completely out of the realms of possibility. There are these chickens that come back to life after they've been killed..."

Rafael hit the end of his self control and snorted out a laugh that became near hysterical at Sonny's indignant expression as he crossed his arms over his chest defensively.

“Oh come on,” Rafael managed to choke out, “you can’t be mad at me for laughing at zombie chickens.”

Sonny scowled at him. “Fine. I'm just saying, my friend gave this to me as a joke gift, but it’s not that crazy to think we might need something like it.” He sighed heavily at Rafael’s futile attempts to stop laughing. “Okay, so maybe not for zombies...”

After a minute Rafael managed to get himself somewhat under control and gulped a few deep breaths. “Sonny, you live in the most populous city in America. If the zombie apocalypse hits, and please don’t underestimate how much I hate you for making me say that, if it or some other pandemic hits you’ll most likely be dead within hours.”

“Ah, but I have a plan,” Sonny scooted closer, a hint of playfulness creeping into his expression. “We barricade the apartment until the first wave is over. We'll have bottled water and what we put in the tub when things started to go bad. As soon as we can, we make our way down to the streets, hot-wire a car and head to the country.” He paused, probably waiting for Rafael’s blank look to disappear. “Okay, so it’s not the most detailed plan yet...”

“You can hot-wire a car?” Rafael tried not to sound impressed or turned on, though wasn't very successful with either. Sonny smirked, looking far too pleased for a detective who just admitted he knows how to steal cars. “Anyway, what’s all this ‘we’ business? How did I get dragged in to your crazy survival plan?”

Sonny frowned. “What, you don’t want to survive?”

“Sonny, I'm a 46 year old lawyer. I don't think my skill set is going to be immediately required in a post apocalyptic hellscape.”

Sonny shrugged. “Maybe that’s why all the post apocalyptic societies go to hell. All the civic minded people just give up.”

Rafael shot him a withering look, not pleased that he was the one being made fun of in this situation. “Anyway, why would you even want to survive in a society like that? No rule of law, no electricity, limited medicine, bartering for cans of cold beans...” he trailed off, realizing that Sonny had managed to trick him into talking about this as if it was a serious potential issue. He pushed himself off the floor with a grunt. “This conversation has become much too ridiculous.”

“Hey.” Sonny jumped up off the floor and weaved in front of Rafael, putting a hand on his chest to stop him walking away. “I’d want to survive because of you. Because even if the world falls apart and we have to live out of a hut in the Catskills eating hot dogs from a can, it’d be okay because I’d be with you. I don't want to give up any of the time we should have together.”

Rafael felt a spike of warmth in spite of himself and hid his smile behind a kiss, stroking a thumb across Sonny's ridiculously earnest face. “You’re an idiot, and I can’t believe you just made this whole moronic conversation sweet.”

Sonny grinned. “It’s a skill.” He slung his arms around Rafael’s shoulders and Rafael moved closer to rest his hands on Sonny’s hips. “Look. I do know realistically we’re not going to be attacked by zombies. I'm not a complete lost cause. Maybe it's dumb but I kind of like knowing I have something like this lying around. Okay? I promise I’ll hide it away in the back of the closet. Our closet.”

Rafael leaned his forehead against Sonny’s, wondering when he became so easy to placate. “Okay," he murmured. "But you're getting rid of the hatchet."

Sonny's mouth twitched with amusement. "Fine. Anything else?"

"Throw some canned ravioli in that pack and I won’t mention any of this to Rollins”.

Sonny recoiled with some kind of inherent Italian disgust. “With talk like that I might just leave you to the zombies.”

Rafael mock gasped. “You'd let me be pecked to death?"

Sonny laughed brightly, something Rafael would never tire of making him do. “Come on,” he said, turning to lift some of the boxes and handing them to Rafael. “Help me take some of these downstairs. You can keep an eye out for any aggressive undead poultry.”

Rafael's audible groan was cut short by Sonny pressing a quick kiss to his cheek before he headed out the door. He smiled to himself as he followed him down the stairs. If nothing else, he had to appreciate that Sonny still had the capacity to surprise him.

**Author's Note:**

> Chicken zombies are a real thing, according to CONPLAN 8888, the US Government's guide to fighting the zombie apocalypse. 
> 
> Based on my friend Mark, who does actually own a zombie survival kit. Apparently you can buy them on eBay.


End file.
